In My Mind Palace

I might be developing a slight inferiority complex.

Maybe. Probably.

Whatever. 

It needs to stop. 

But I don't know how.

I keep doubting myself and feeling low. I don't like hanging out with people much anymore and my social anxiety thing is getting worse. Looking in the mirror isn't something I like doing much anymore. I do believe that I am beautiful, because everyone is beautiful, but I'm not able to see it clearly anymore. I'm not confident that I'm.... Good enough.

You may ask, good enough for what? Whom? 

My expectations? I don't know. I keep thinking... I have everything I have ever wanted. I have great parents, an exceedingly small but fun group of friends, my grades are great, I live in a lovely place and I'm not physically unwell in any way.... I'm allowed to pursue any dream I want to, really.... I can choose to be whatever I want and I have (had) the confidence to voice my opinion. 

I'm happy.

No doubt.

But there is this little bit of Sticky-tape a the back of my mind.... And when happiness comes near it, it gets stuck, trapped, and has a hard time getting back in the open. And the glue on the tape is getting stronger. 

I know it all sounds very dramatic, like in books or movies. But this is an analogy of the situation that I feel that I can accept. 

Of course, I know better than to start starving myself, or throwing up my food, or cutting or pursuing any acts of self-harm... Those won't get me anywhere. I am perfectly content with myself. Or am I.

I don't know!!!

It's so frustrating. 

M exams ended and I didn't do anything with my friends. The saddest thing is when I told them I couldn't make it, they didn't seem to give a damn. Maybe it's because my sudden lack of enthusiasm and self-hate is putting a gap between me and them, but wouldn't a true friend try to... Dunno, bridge the gap?

Wouldn't they want to make me understand that whatever happens, I am not worthless, not replaceable?

So I came home and watched Sherlock Season 3 Episode 2. Mind-blowing and happiness inducing though the successful physics exam and Benedict Cumberbatch's awesomeness was, that little bit of icky Sticky-tape was there, grabbing at my smile. It still is. 

I keep having little talks with myself. "You're not friend-less," "You're not obsessive," "You are not defined by what others think of you," la la la la

But they clearly don't work.

I don't want to talk to anyone.... Their advice is always the same. 

I'm so tired of..... I'm just tired. 

Literally. I'm sleepy.

Night folks :) 

Alvida,

Squish