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Monday, 20 January 2014

In My Mind Palace

I might be developing a slight inferiority complex.
Maybe. Probably.
Whatever. 
It needs to stop. 
But I don't know how.

I keep doubting myself and feeling low. I don't like hanging out with people much anymore and my social anxiety thing is getting worse. Looking in the mirror isn't something I like doing much anymore. I do believe that I am beautiful, because everyone is beautiful, but I'm not able to see it clearly anymore. I'm not confident that I'm.... Good enough.
You may ask, good enough for what? Whom? 

My expectations? I don't know. I keep thinking... I have everything I have ever wanted. I have great parents, an exceedingly small but fun group of friends, my grades are great, I live in a lovely place and I'm not physically unwell in any way.... I'm allowed to pursue any dream I want to, really.... I can choose to be whatever I want and I have (had) the confidence to voice my opinion. 
I'm happy.
No doubt.

But there is this little bit of Sticky-tape a the back of my mind.... And when happiness comes near it, it gets stuck, trapped, and has a hard time getting back in the open. And the glue on the tape is getting stronger. 

I know it all sounds very dramatic, like in books or movies. But this is an analogy of the situation that I feel that I can accept. 

Of course, I know better than to start starving myself, or throwing up my food, or cutting or pursuing any acts of self-harm... Those won't get me anywhere. I am perfectly content with myself. Or am I.
I don't know!!!

It's so frustrating. 
M exams ended and I didn't do anything with my friends. The saddest thing is when I told them I couldn't make it, they didn't seem to give a damn. Maybe it's because my sudden lack of enthusiasm and self-hate is putting a gap between me and them, but wouldn't a true friend try to... Dunno, bridge the gap?
Wouldn't they want to make me understand that whatever happens, I am not worthless, not replaceable?

So I came home and watched Sherlock Season 3 Episode 2. Mind-blowing and happiness inducing though the successful physics exam and Benedict Cumberbatch's awesomeness was, that little bit of icky Sticky-tape was there, grabbing at my smile. It still is. 

I keep having little talks with myself. "You're not friend-less," "You're not obsessive," "You are not defined by what others think of you," la la la la
But they clearly don't work.
I don't want to talk to anyone.... Their advice is always the same. 
I'm so tired of..... I'm just tired. 

Literally. I'm sleepy.
Night folks :) 

Alvida,
Squish

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Not a New Year

For many of you fortunate people out there, your New Year began the minute it struck 12 and 1st of Jan happened... However for those enslaved by the demonic Exams, lie in a pool of misery and cry, thus increasing their chances of drowning.... Hmm...

Basically, without departing from the straight highway of conversation...
My exams begin this Monday.
"sh--#!!*^?//#%^&#^&%{ "



Yes.
This time however, I have done a lot of preparation beforehand so I don't freak out the day before the exam... And actually in all seriousness, I'm quite proud of my prowess :D:D
Surprised really, that I managed it :) So I totally agree with my friends when they tell me to stop freaking out and studying so much...

The truth is... I'm a study-holic, and a completely obsessive person when it comes to marks... I know. Wtf. What can I do???? I just really feel the need to maintain top marks... And getting slightly bad marks in anything is like a... Master crime :'(
In my school, lots of people, especially two of my friends, study a LOT, and make it a point to act like if you DON'T study that much, then you're probably going the wrong way with your life... All I want to do is have a life where I don't look back when I leave school and think, "Damn, I wasted twelve years of my life getting top marks in tests that will never matter."
Because, the victorious joy I feel after getting good marks... Is kinda short-lived because subsequently, I have to start studying for the next test, and then the next.... And it'll never stop... :O

So I can either not study well and wallow in the misery of low marks, study too much and revel in short-lived glory, or study moderately, and understand that I can only do my best, and hope that it's enough....

Anyway, I have to go study (I know what you're thinking.... What did she make that speech for if she's gonna study anyway... See, "moderately" means that I DO study... :p )

So byeeee:D

Alvida,
Squish.