"I think you should be the official stuff-namer"

"And now it seems to me, the beautiful uncut hair of graves"
                                                                   -Paper Towns                                                                  
Yes.
I made the punishable mistake of reading another John Green book.
And while I am thoroughly in love with it and Quentin, there is no going back on the fact that now I'm contemplating the reason of my existence and the worth of my problems.

For example, when Quentin breaks through the various metaphors used on basic human relationships and life, I can't help but think about being irreparably broken.
Or worse, living in a world where you believe that you are irreparably broken.

Or, even more thought-provoking than that, what if I imagine the people I know? What if I don't really know them? What if the expectations, the hopes, or just my imagination, has compiled together a fictional life for me, where I deal with these paper people, in a paper way?

What even is Realizing?
How do you know whether what you have "realized" even is the right thing to realize?
Is there even a right thing to realize? How do we differentiate between what we already know and what our mind develops? If reality was linked to realization, would we all be living differently? Or is reality made of flimsy paper thin fantasies that have encompassed our live in their desirable arms?

But what I really truly LOVED about the plot is the emphasis on human behavior.How Q, Ben, Radar, Lacey, Ruthie, Q's parents, Jase, Chuck and finally, Margo, are all just people.
And in the end, I think, there is no paper. All you can do is just look at it from the angle of whichever metaphor you pick, and dream out a life. Live just like you would think you're un-papered self would live. Then, look at how you are living. Compare the two. In the end I think these two will meet, even if for a moment. But they will meet. And when they do, you would probably realize that What is you reality, and what is your dream, and what the difference between the two is, can only be determined by you.

So I'm gonna take this book with me. I'm gonna go on living exactly how I'm living at present, because this story hasn't told me my life is sad or boring or in need of an adventure. It has simply told me that there are multiple facets and multiple metaphors, and if you're ready to accept that, you can flit in between them like a bird in paradise without getting hurt. So now whenever I feel that something I'm doing is an entirely "paper-act" I'll look again, just like how Quentin read Song of Myself so many times, and whether or not my perspective of that particularly odious task changes or not, I will have gained several views.
Then I can choose!!!!

But AFTER all this extreme philosophy has been worn down....
I'm gonna play metaphysical I-Spy with people.
Done.

Also I just have to commend John Green for making the book fan-freaking-funny-tastic. I have NEVER though that peeing into a beer bottle in a minivan could be made to sound this hilarious.
I mean  i literally had tears streaming down my face as I gasped for breath or for the moment when he would reveal the true Margo, I don't even know which one I was crying for, but whatever it was, it was FUNNY.
My gyad.

So I'm sorry I haven't written in more than a freaking month, but I've been busy okay???
Anyway, the summer vacations start in a couple of days, so I guess my ranting will be more frequent then :)
Speaking of emoticons, I got a new phone and it's pretty fantastic!!
But after the initial exhilaration of being on WhatsApp and playing Temple Run and Instagram and all that, I kind of had a moment of complete actualization where I identified the phone for what it truly was.
A gadget.
Just a damn gadget.
A fun gadget, but a gadget all the same.
So then after that moment of enlightenment, I now spend less time on it.

Also, I've had it with people telling me not to study so much because from studying so much I am benefiting. And it is my choice and I'm simply over being walked all over like an effing carpet because my decisions, motives and reasons are valid.

I AM A PROUD GEEK THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Alvida,
Squish

PS: OHMYGOODLORD DIVERGENT THE MOVIE WAS SPECTACULAR I THINK I HAVE THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON SHAILENE WOODLEY AND THEO JAMES. AS WELL AS THE REST OF THE CAST.
Praise the flaming bisexual in me.... :D

More about this next time okay??? :)<3<3

Let it go... LET IT GO :)

I just watched Frozen.

And tell you what????
It was BRILLIANT.

Finally, the woman did not have to be saved by a man's (okay her "true love's" ) kiss.... She saved herself with her own optimism, generosity and courage.
*good for you Anna!!!*

And Elsa isn't shown as some damsel in distress... Okay so she IS is in distress, but no man was needed to save her... Her own sister did!!

And the sisterly-love thing is adorable... Movies are so often centered about that pretty girl finding that handsome guy and after some dry etc, they have a great life and twenty babies... If someone actually had that life... Well great! I'm happy for whoever found their soul mate and managed to find the time to pop out a couple of babies while doing whatever it is that they do for a living...

But movies can't just be a normal life.... They generally have to have different feelings of love, bonding, sincerity, humor la la la and hence... putting in some strong women, strong men and a villain with all the bad qualities a villain should have, is actually a splendid idea.
Kids watch Disney movies and they should get the clear idea of how trickery, greed, rage, etc can all land us in pretty deep shit.
(That punch in the end was the best <3 )

And some people say, "Animated movies? Pah, stop being such a child..."

To you, my friend, I say, YOU HAVE LOST YOUR REASON TO LIVE.
Being a born cynic, pessimist and awkward person, I totally get what it is like to find something cheesy.
But then, there are times when I can flip that switch and appreciate the sweet, funny impossibly honest things that life has to offer....

Like Sven for instance... :)

Also, I'm Indian, hence Bollywood has seasoned me to learn and appreciate Cheesy Stuff.... :D
 Hindi Music Lovers!!!!: If you want something to dance on, listen to Nagade Sang Dhol, Gandi Baat,  Tu ne maari Entriyaan. Lat lag gayi and anything by Yo Yo Honey Singh :D
They may be lame, the lyrics may be BEYOND senseless, but the point is the beat, rhythm and tune... And those are completely undeniable :p <3

Also I'm am DYING to watch Two States, a movie based on the novel by Chetan Bhagat... I think it's gonna be epic :)

With that....
Alvida.

PS: I am soooo sorry I haven't written for like a month or something!!!
All I'm gonna say now, cuz I have to go for dinner is, I'm in the 10th and have a short break going on... Hence I am loaded with 8000 piles of homework and dying.
But hey!
Who wants to hear my complains... :)
Byeeee <3

In My Mind Palace

I might be developing a slight inferiority complex.

Maybe. Probably.

Whatever. 

It needs to stop. 

But I don't know how.

I keep doubting myself and feeling low. I don't like hanging out with people much anymore and my social anxiety thing is getting worse. Looking in the mirror isn't something I like doing much anymore. I do believe that I am beautiful, because everyone is beautiful, but I'm not able to see it clearly anymore. I'm not confident that I'm.... Good enough.

You may ask, good enough for what? Whom? 

My expectations? I don't know. I keep thinking... I have everything I have ever wanted. I have great parents, an exceedingly small but fun group of friends, my grades are great, I live in a lovely place and I'm not physically unwell in any way.... I'm allowed to pursue any dream I want to, really.... I can choose to be whatever I want and I have (had) the confidence to voice my opinion. 

I'm happy.

No doubt.

But there is this little bit of Sticky-tape a the back of my mind.... And when happiness comes near it, it gets stuck, trapped, and has a hard time getting back in the open. And the glue on the tape is getting stronger. 

I know it all sounds very dramatic, like in books or movies. But this is an analogy of the situation that I feel that I can accept. 

Of course, I know better than to start starving myself, or throwing up my food, or cutting or pursuing any acts of self-harm... Those won't get me anywhere. I am perfectly content with myself. Or am I.

I don't know!!!

It's so frustrating. 

M exams ended and I didn't do anything with my friends. The saddest thing is when I told them I couldn't make it, they didn't seem to give a damn. Maybe it's because my sudden lack of enthusiasm and self-hate is putting a gap between me and them, but wouldn't a true friend try to... Dunno, bridge the gap?

Wouldn't they want to make me understand that whatever happens, I am not worthless, not replaceable?

So I came home and watched Sherlock Season 3 Episode 2. Mind-blowing and happiness inducing though the successful physics exam and Benedict Cumberbatch's awesomeness was, that little bit of icky Sticky-tape was there, grabbing at my smile. It still is. 

I keep having little talks with myself. "You're not friend-less," "You're not obsessive," "You are not defined by what others think of you," la la la la

But they clearly don't work.

I don't want to talk to anyone.... Their advice is always the same. 

I'm so tired of..... I'm just tired. 

Literally. I'm sleepy.

Night folks :) 

Alvida,

Squish

Not a New Year

For many of you fortunate people out there, your New Year began the minute it struck 12 and 1st of Jan happened... However for those enslaved by the demonic Exams, lie in a pool of misery and cry, thus increasing their chances of drowning.... Hmm...

Basically, without departing from the straight highway of conversation...
My exams begin this Monday.
"sh--#!!*^?//#%^&#^&%{ "

Yes.
This time however, I have done a lot of preparation beforehand so I don't freak out the day before the exam... And actually in all seriousness, I'm quite proud of my prowess :D:D
Surprised really, that I managed it :) So I totally agree with my friends when they tell me to stop freaking out and studying so much...

The truth is... I'm a study-holic, and a completely obsessive person when it comes to marks... I know. Wtf. What can I do???? I just really feel the need to maintain top marks... And getting slightly bad marks in anything is like a... Master crime :'(
In my school, lots of people, especially two of my friends, study a LOT, and make it a point to act like if you DON'T study that much, then you're probably going the wrong way with your life... All I want to do is have a life where I don't look back when I leave school and think, "Damn, I wasted twelve years of my life getting top marks in tests that will never matter."
Because, the victorious joy I feel after getting good marks... Is kinda short-lived because subsequently, I have to start studying for the next test, and then the next.... And it'll never stop... :O

So I can either not study well and wallow in the misery of low marks, study too much and revel in short-lived glory, or study moderately, and understand that I can only do my best, and hope that it's enough....

Anyway, I have to go study (I know what you're thinking.... What did she make that speech for if she's gonna study anyway... See, "moderately" means that I DO study... :p )

So byeeee:D

Alvida,
Squish.