of new interests and plans

It's kind of worrying that the last time I wrote a blog post, it was christmas. last year.
It's not christmas 2015 anymore.
In fact it's not 2015 anymore either.
So happy new year?

I'm sorry *inserts slo-mo gif of me being crushed by the burden of studying and the Indian education system so that you forgive my complete absence*  

Anyway, so I want to jump in and a give a quick update, before I go into other things:

So you know how I was very passionate about becoming a surgeon? I was completely set on the idea of going to medical college. However, recently, this entire idea kind of changed.
I am still very interested in biology and find human health and diseases fascinating. But not fascinating enough to make it my profession. I feel like treating real people and having a 24 hr job is not really my cup of chai (tea). And the medical field, barring the occasional excitement, doesn't altogether sound that exciting anymore? I don't know why this change took place in me, but now I am focusing on research more than medicine. I don't know what kind of research, but most probably in some field of biology. I love knowing one particular thing in a great deal of  detail and knowing everything there is to know about a particular thing, so research is right up my lane.

I love the idea of becoming an experimental researcher and working in a lab. I know that life is not going to be some sort of dream with new things to discover and insane scientific breakthroughs everyday, but I feel that it will probably be more suited to how I like to live and my interests. By that I mean that I'll get a lot more time to do the things I like, outside of science, like music, dance, language studies, reading, writing, art blah blah blah

Okay! So that's that haha

Now other cooler things.................. ;)

I got a lot more into kpop!
Before, I was a lowkey fan, listening to some songs here and there, not really caring that much about the band members and more focused on just exploring a different type of  music.
But I began watching a few interviews around mid last year, and next thing you know, I'm a HIGH KEY FAN. Okay no haha not saesang or anything :D
But I really like certain groups about whom I'll gush later :p

I had always liked how the Korean language sounded. I liked the speed of speech (sometimes a bit overwhelmingly fast) and I liked the few Korean words I knew at the time. I had also read that the Korean language was one of the most well-structured languages with a completely phonetic script (which I also liked the look of :p)
So I decided to give learning a bit. Just some basic conversational stuff and some other kpop-related words to start with.
I started off learning how to read Korean and believe it or not, I managed to pick it up in 2 days.
DISCLAIMER: This is not me boasting about my fantastic skills at language, but in fact marveling at the logical and beautifully crafted Korean script. It seriously so much fun

Obviously, at the start I was reading very slowly and sounding out words like a one-year-old. But as time passed I learned more words and grammar points and became a lot faster at reading with practice.
Now I don't know how but I managed to pick up quite a lot of Korean and now can understand quite a bit! I sometimes even turn the subtitles off on some interview videos and stuff and listen hard and often understand the context of what they're saying!  It's so exciting! I love learning this language so much it makes me want to explode :D

I wish I could devote more time to it (I can only give a bit of time per week because of all the study pressure) because I feel like with more time, I could get a hang of it!
And when it comes to pronunciation and speaking, it's actually not that hard for me because  I already speak two Indian languages (Hindi and Bengali) and am used to a lot of the consonant and vowel sounds in Korean (and with correct enunciation, "reul" will come eventually too hehe). Knowing Hindi is especially helpful as it has a very wide range of sounds and has a similar grammatical sentence structure to Korean. So when I try forming correct sentences in Korean, sometimes I think of it in Hindi first :D

It would be very wrong of me to not credit the people who are helping me study Korean and that's Talk To Me In Korean.com !! (I love them so much)
They post videos on YouTube and have a site with pdfs and so many other helpful things. They also have a store where one can purchase text books but unfortunately, I haven't been able to buy anything as of now... Maybe some day :)

I know that actually being fluent in a language while learning from the internet is virtually impossible, but I believe that by listening and practicing a lot, I can get faster at it and improve my vocabulary.

I'm really proud of the progress that I've made in the short time I've been learning and I hope that when I go to Korea on vacation (after entrance exam season next year, I am going FOR SURE), I will be a lot better at conversation and comprehension.
I'm super excited about my language journey and once I'm out of this competitive-exam whirlpool, I'll definitely spend a lot of time on language-learning.

Oh heck I've babbled a lot today... :)
Okay, I have to go now

But before I go I'll give a picture-hint of the topic of next time's blog post....

Alvida,
Annyeong,

Squish.










                                        

ANIME ANIME ANIME

Hi!

Quick update: Today I had this state level test thingy... And I'm so glad it's over!

I came home and watched Howl's Moving Castle for the millionth time, then watched some Deathnote episodes, then browsed through some yaoi on Tumblr (don't judge) 

Then I reminisced to my dad on the phone about the time when I used to watch Naruto and Pokemon. 

Basically, I had a very anime evening

So here's a spam of shots from Howl's and Deathnote because they are my absolute favourites.

Aww <3<3

Guys with earrings amirite

The sassiest nan ever tbh

and THIS GUY ^-^

Now the deathnote spam

This'll be shorter cuz I have to go sleep

I have college at 7:30 tomorrow for which I have to get up at 6:20 for :(((

I like how when there is all this delicious drama happening, Ryuk is 

is just chilling, laughing and eating apples (you can't get much cooler)

I SHIP IT YO

Awwww 

(he's gonna get diabetic real fast)

Okay crap it's getting very late, I'm tired af

Byeeeee

Alvida,

Squish 

of Positives & Pictures

HI
I am currently in high spirits.

Life is filled with tests and I have to study for 5 hours a day.
I also don't get weekends.
There is a massive ton of pressure pouring in from everywhere.
It feels my future depends on every breath I take.
It's pretty crazy, to say the least.

However, I'm not here to complain.
Because I chose this.
Sure, I didn't know exactly HOW hectic it was going to turn out to be, so every now and then I can have melt downs (unavoidable tbh)
But I'm trying to look at the positives here.

Positives:

1. I am up to date with all my studying

2. I have great friends in college.

3. I have a very close friend in college.

4. I bought cool earrings on the train.

5. I am doing really well in class.

6. I got new fandom merch.

aaaaaaand.........



I ORDERED THE AMAZING BOOK IS NOT ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wheeeeeeee

If you don't know what the eff that is (shame on you) , it is the summary of Dan and Phil and everything they stand for and have done and stuff, carefully crafted (don't cry) into a book.
AND I ORDERED IT.
ohhh yes.

It cost a HELL of a lot, but I had some saved up cash and it's freaking DAN AND PHIL.
Nnnnnngggg

I'm so excited.
I have no idea when it'll turn up, what with it having to turn up from he UK to India and all....
But eventually some day, it shall arrive.
Yea

Anyway, I better go for dinner now or my mum will get pissed.
Ta

Alvida,
Squish


PS: Just to show my love and appreciation for those two dorks, here's a little spam of their pretty faces:
    I love them so much wtf   Phil jesus christ you're allergic  AGH why do you do this

Anyway, that's it for now
Sorry the post wasn't too amazing
I'm just in a bit of a hurry
And in a really good mood so I'm too jumpy to sit down and think properly
No srs bsns right now
YEa

Laughing In Retrospect

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay what the actual HELL was my last post??!!!

I sounded like some screwed up, failed writer having a crisis and angsting about it online to people who don't give two shits.

Or worse, some moronic, weepy complainer who has nothing better to do than compose melancholy speeches on her silly little first-world problems.

I am truly sorry for putting you through that horrible piece of writing. But I won't delete it as I want it to remain as an example of what one should definitely NOT write in a blog post.

Side Note: I am still sad about college (I don't like it at all). I am still stressed about studies (there's a crap load of it). I am still insecure about stuff (who isn't) and I still am a 16-year-old girl with problems that are important to her (as they should be)
My problems are important, yes, but I need to stop going on and on and on about them because then, I'm squashing the time in which I could do something to improve. I'm simply spending too much time loathing how things are to actuaLLY GET THE EFF UP AND STOP BEING A WUSS.

So on that motivating note, I shall depart.
Again, my apologies for my previous shitstorm of a post. Hopefully, that won't happen again :P

Suggestions:

Book: Since I haven't read a new book in a while (I've been busy af), I'm gonna say, re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and admire the sass master that Ginny is. I honestly never reeaally loved Ginny that much but I always liked her badass, I-can-do-it-just-as-well-as-you spirit.

Songs: Fight Song (Rachel Platten)
            Cruel To Be Kind- Letters to Cleo
            Firefly- Ed Sheeran
            From Eden- Hozier

Movie: Ramdhanu (It's a Bengali film. It's really lovely and funny and has a nice message. Watch it with subtitles)

YouTube: Lean On and Jind Mahi Mashup- VidyaVox (it's an epic blend of sounds)
                 Blank Space and Jealous Acoustic Mashup- Megan Davies (I now have girl crushes on them)
                 Gay Guy Calls Westboro Baptist Church- Riyadh K (Really funny)
                 The Cheese Challenge- AmazingPhil
                 Why are Girls So Confusing And Complicated?- OnisionSpeaks

Other- Fanfiction. That's all I can say. Read tons and tons of fanfiction. Tumblr, fanfiction.net, deviantart, Wattpad, archiveofourown, you name it. Explore. Find your mild kinks. Fluff. Smut. Drabble. A/U. Delve into the deep dark sex-crazed part of your mind and indulge it with fantastic visuals of your favourite characters etc doing unspeakable things to each other.

Okay. Wow. I may have just let a bit too much emotion spill out into that last bit :P
Sorry.
Just, when everything from college and all is so heavy and tiring, reading fanfiction is a great luxury :D

Alvida,
Squish

Turmoil

Okay.

So there is something I haven't really addressed on this blog much and that is- I'm going through the I'm-16-and-depressed thing. Yeah.

So.

I'm 16 years old.

And I'm depressed a lot of the time.

See, happiness is a very fleeting state of mind. It's so freaking transient that you start regretting feeling it in the first place, because, what's the point, it's gonna end anyway.

Before I start telling you more about how I feel and all that, I'd just like to say that this is most definitely not me saying silly things like "I hate my life" because honestly. I don't.

I have incredible parents, a great house, a few loyal and loving friends, a fabulous best friend, some awesome relatives and everything I could possibly want. This is more of a psychological thing okay?

I'm not denouncing all I have achieved. I am truly grateful for how lucky I am to be born to such open-minded people and in a fully functional body. 

Now that that disclaimer is done with, I'll move on to the actual shiz.

I have these mood swings. I start off the day with a smile and a conquer-all attitude but as some time passes, my shoulders droop and my entire euphoria just... Dissolves. This happens all the time. Pleased. Disappointed. Proud. Regretful. Ecstatic. Fed up. Amused. Annoyed. 

It's just this odious cycle of opposing emotions that drive me completely insane.

And these wonderful feelings are accompanied by their closest companion- Doubt.

Doubt is honestly the most revolting thing in the world. I HATE feeling doubtful.

I doubt myself, my ambitions, capabilities, choices, other people etc etc and it simply compounds the depression. 

For instance, I constantly doubt whether I made the right choice by signing up for medical coaching classes. I doubt whether I truly want to be a doctor. I doubt whether anybody actually likes me at my college. I doubt whether I'll be able to keep up my, up till now, good grades in class and it goes on and on and on.

I am drowning in uncertainty.

At one instant, I'm laughing with my friends feeling carefree, or grinning while I read a book, and the next instant, this unfriendly, cold negativity has just settled in on a nice little spot in my head. It makes me see things less brightly, like it's seeping out the colour around me and replacing it with my anxiety and unresolved fears. 

I may sound all dramatic and bookish right now, but that's the best way I can describe it. 

And yes, I KNOW that this too will pass but I'm gonna have to deal with it in the present and I don't know how. I'm ceaselessly trying to find ways to keep me happy but I'm running out. I read good books but my depression steps in when I'm halfway through with a "You should be studying". I go out with my friends but depression slides in with a clever "Your friends will never be as stressed as you". I study but depression retaliates with an almighty "You're never going to be good enough". 

And I'm sick of it.

I thought that this month of holiday I got might change things. It might be that breathing-break I was craving. It might pull me back to reality and make me study without feeling a load of despondency on my back. It didn't. Nothing changed and I'm feeling worthless again.

And I KNOW I'm not worthless.

I know I'm not stupid. I know I'll never end up making a ridiculous and rash decision in a flurry of rage. I know I'll never develop a seriously bad habit like smoking. 

But when Doubt crashes into you like a tidal wave, you can only watch as it scatters the broken remains of your self-confidence across the sand. 

Wow. I'm so depressed, I'm even writing like some sad, sad scholar. 

I really didn't want this post to be so wretched and gloomy but what do.

I mean, I do need an outlet for my crazy mixed-up brain. 

I originally wanted this post to be about Dan and Phil and how much I love them. I wanted to write sweet, honest truths about how just watching their videos for the last four years has changed me for the better in so many ways. I wanted to gush about how brilliant and creative they are, and discuss the Phandom and its flaws, in detail. 

But then I got into this dismal mood. 

Anyway. this is how I feel currently. I usually also give some sage advice at the end of my posts but this time, I have none, as I myself am flailing helplessly, trying to make the smiles last for longer.

Except maybe, watch Dan and Phil. Or take solace in the Internet.

Suggestions: 

Book: The Sky is Everywhere (Jandy Nelson)

           Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Sáenz)

           Fangirl (Rainbow Rowell) 

Song: Mercy (Muse)

          Open Your Eyes (Snow Patrol)

          Oblivion (Bastille)

          Breathe Me (Sia)

          Work Song (Hozier)

          Numb (Sam Brookes)

          Centuries (Fallout Boy)

Movie: PK (It's a Hindi film. Even if you don't know Hindi, trust me it's excellent. Watch it with subtitles)

Youtube: Music Video Sins (they're really funny) 

                danisnotonfirevyou1 (because who doesn't need phan updates in their life)

Okay, that's it (:

I'd better go study now as I'm going for a piano concert later.

I'm actually feeling a bit better after writing this.

Thank you Internet.

Alvida,

Squish.

How To Make Friends in College (Geek Edition)

Hiyoooohh!!

Long story short:
1. Boards got over.
2. I went to the Andaman and Nicobar Islands with the fam for a vacation.
3. Chilled with friends.
4. Started college today.

Did you read the 4th point and go, wait WHAT??
Well, it's true!
I started Junior College today.

My choice subjects are Physics, Chemistry, Zoology, Botany, Information Technology and Math/Psychology (I haven't made a choice yet, but it's probs gonna be maths)
My compulsory subjects are English, Environmental Studies and Physical Education. (lol srsly idek wtf)

We had two, three-hour lectures today and I really enjoyed the Zoology lecture. Physics was okay, I guess, but our professor seemed a bit out of it and I became really drowsy towards the end :D
However, I did comprehend most of what he was saying :p

I guess the highlight of today however is the Mingling.
So as you know, I'm an extremely awkward and shy person. Being dropped into a crowd of COMPLETELY UNKNOWN PEOPLE, is my Nightmare.
So I was really really worried about being that weird freaky kid who doesn't talk to anyone.

However....
I managed to muster the courage to introduce myself to and talk to the girl I was sharing a bench with, and another girl behind me. They both seemed very nice :)
Now I had worn my Deathly Hallows pendant to college in the hopes that someone would see it and identify themselves to me as a fellow fangirl.
And to my intense satisfaction (and relief), a slightly crazy (but sweet) girl came up to me during our break between lectures and introduced herself as a Potterhead. I also spoke to another girl next to her and we instantly hit it off. So I moved to sit next to them for our second lecture and I felt really happy and warm and accepted.

The thing is. If it hadn't been for the necklace, I might not have ended up speaking to these two and would have continued to remain slightly cut off from the others.

The point isn't the material necklace, but what it represents: COMMON INTERESTS.

So my advice for today (applicable in every situation I feel) is to talk and develop conversations and friendly relations based on Common Interests.

Because fangirling gets you far in life.

OH YES IT DOES.

So I have college tomorrow, and the day after that and then after that. But I feel that over time, the nerves that accompany me through the doors into our classroom will slowly fade and I'll get closer to the other people in my batch.
Seriously though, we have a long, hard journey ahead into the Medical Stream and we need to stick together for that. I saw how our seniors (they're all slightly mental) were a tight-knit group and I hope the same thing happens to us:)

SUGGESTIONS!!!!!!! (I haven't done this in ages sorry :p )

YouTube: Hannah Hart (biggest crush on her since forever. Also, dat hairstyle tho)
Songs: If you want to cry, re-listen to Light Behind Your Eyes and The World Is Ugly by MCR
Books: The Cuckoo's Calling by JK Rowling writing under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith
Movies: I literally haven't watched one in ages oh god
Other: gah just go on Tumblr I'm too tired to think ;)

Alvida,
Squish

PS: Amazingphil's new Easter Baking (well, melting and then chilling) video was soooo adorable and had all the right Phan Pheels :D I'm not some manic shipper or anything, but I definitely think they'd be ridiculously cute together :) Also Dan's bunny suit is such a vast bag of Nope that you should def not miss out on :D :p
So go check that out too!!! <3

Women 24x7

It's just another day today.
Well, it's International Women's Day.
Which is a day like any other.

I know I'm definitely not the first person saying that this specific day should not be that ONE day when people try to comprehend the worth and importance of women but instead they should respect us every single day.

Everyday should be an International "We're All Equal" Day, where we rejoice our existence and work for a better today and tomorrow.
Everyday should be an International "Much Unity, Very Love" Day where we support each other, no matter what caste, creed, gender, sexual orientation, colour, race, economic background, social status etc etc etc they identify with.

Because IDENTITY in itself, is a very important word. It is something that should have broad horizons and a timeless understanding. One should be able to be who they want, without fear or bias. If you're a woman, you don't have to be delicate, gentle, quiet, empathetic or motherly. If you're a man, you don't have to be strong, fearless or less sensitive.
If you are, good for you!
If you aren't, good for you!
There is no criteria you need to fulfill, to exist as a free, independent human being with an identity completely unique to you.

Of course, this doesn't mean one can commit crimes, hurt others, destruct peace and then sing "Baby I Was Born This Way".
No.
You were not born that way.
Your circumstances and choices and other influences made you that way.
And then if you do something wrong, it's not freaking God's will or Society's will, it's your will.
And sometimes, you're wrong.
So I guess you should try your best to move along the path that is right. (And common sense dictates which one that is, I believe)

I originally wanted to talk about India's Daughter, where I'd rant about the heinous statements made by the defense lawyers of the rapists, disgusting sexist comments of various people of authority, public outcry, the BBC Documentary etc.
But somehow, the idea of contaminating the post with the hatred and disgust I feel towards these ministers, lawyers, police inspectors etc etc seemed like something I just didn't want to do.
I just want this post to be about equality, compassion and protection of all humans from ignorance and injustice and not another reminder of the wrongs that have been committed.

So I have to go now, as I have my final math paper tomorrow.
But I'd like to conclude this post by saying that:

I hope that this Women's Day helps, even if it's just a little bit, towards promoting love and respect towards women because seriously, it's 2015, and anyone who feels that women are not worthy of all that, is probably MASSIVELY mislead or IMMENSELY stupid.
Or both.
Yeah.

Quote Time!!!

Alvida,

Squish.

Bored of Boards

Hello World!!
I really wanted to say that I went to hell and back, but I'm still in hell so I guess that phrase isn't particularly applicable here:)
The hell I am referencing here is in fact my ICSE BOARD EXAMS.
These are the board exams that a student gives after completing tenth standard. There are various different boards (systems), but I study under the ICSE. Which is a ton of trash.

Either way, those *ahem* lovely things are going on right now and I have 6 exams left (well 5.5 really since one of them is Art). I had HistoryCiv today and I think it went pretty well. Yesterday, after a full day of studying, I was completely worn out and sad. I was also feeling really awful about missing the Ed Sheeran concert that was at Mahalaxmi Racecourse only this Sunday. I met up with some friends yesterday and all they did was talk about it and I just had to listen to them blabber on an on about how great is was and how sad it is that it actually had to end at some point. I just stood there like "srsly dude idek wtf is my life smh" and came home and sat, staring at a wall for about 15 minutes just LOATHING my life.
ED SHEERAN.
jesus.
Better than jesus.

Apparently he wore a kurta and had an Indian Flag with him. Apparently he sang all the most beautiful songs and asked the crowd to do harmonies. Apparently he spent time with Bollywood celebrities after that. Apparently he loved Mumbai so much that he promised he'd come back.

Okay I'm just disappearing in regret now.
Anyway, if he does indeed come back then I'll DEF GO  FOR IT.
So yeah.

Also, fun fact! I started vlogging recently.
It's so much fun!!!
I do it on my phone camera so the quality is kind of crap, but still, it makes me really happy :)
I'm never gonna upload or in fact, show them to anyone ever, probs, but they're present as a reminder of who I was.... You know, memories and stuff :D

Okay short post today cuz I gotta go study geography and stuff but I promise I will update soon!!

THIS AWESOMENESS.

Is it just me or does the gradual disintegration effect remind you just a LEEETLE bit of that of Voldemort at the end of Deathly Hallows pt 2??? 

Sorry :p
Too many fandoms :)

Alvida,

Squish