Turmoil

Okay.

So there is something I haven't really addressed on this blog much and that is- I'm going through the I'm-16-and-depressed thing. Yeah.

So.

I'm 16 years old.

And I'm depressed a lot of the time.

See, happiness is a very fleeting state of mind. It's so freaking transient that you start regretting feeling it in the first place, because, what's the point, it's gonna end anyway.

Before I start telling you more about how I feel and all that, I'd just like to say that this is most definitely not me saying silly things like "I hate my life" because honestly. I don't.

I have incredible parents, a great house, a few loyal and loving friends, a fabulous best friend, some awesome relatives and everything I could possibly want. This is more of a psychological thing okay?

I'm not denouncing all I have achieved. I am truly grateful for how lucky I am to be born to such open-minded people and in a fully functional body. 

Now that that disclaimer is done with, I'll move on to the actual shiz.

I have these mood swings. I start off the day with a smile and a conquer-all attitude but as some time passes, my shoulders droop and my entire euphoria just... Dissolves. This happens all the time. Pleased. Disappointed. Proud. Regretful. Ecstatic. Fed up. Amused. Annoyed. 

It's just this odious cycle of opposing emotions that drive me completely insane.

And these wonderful feelings are accompanied by their closest companion- Doubt.

Doubt is honestly the most revolting thing in the world. I HATE feeling doubtful.

I doubt myself, my ambitions, capabilities, choices, other people etc etc and it simply compounds the depression. 

For instance, I constantly doubt whether I made the right choice by signing up for medical coaching classes. I doubt whether I truly want to be a doctor. I doubt whether anybody actually likes me at my college. I doubt whether I'll be able to keep up my, up till now, good grades in class and it goes on and on and on.

I am drowning in uncertainty.

At one instant, I'm laughing with my friends feeling carefree, or grinning while I read a book, and the next instant, this unfriendly, cold negativity has just settled in on a nice little spot in my head. It makes me see things less brightly, like it's seeping out the colour around me and replacing it with my anxiety and unresolved fears. 

I may sound all dramatic and bookish right now, but that's the best way I can describe it. 

And yes, I KNOW that this too will pass but I'm gonna have to deal with it in the present and I don't know how. I'm ceaselessly trying to find ways to keep me happy but I'm running out. I read good books but my depression steps in when I'm halfway through with a "You should be studying". I go out with my friends but depression slides in with a clever "Your friends will never be as stressed as you". I study but depression retaliates with an almighty "You're never going to be good enough". 

And I'm sick of it.

I thought that this month of holiday I got might change things. It might be that breathing-break I was craving. It might pull me back to reality and make me study without feeling a load of despondency on my back. It didn't. Nothing changed and I'm feeling worthless again.

And I KNOW I'm not worthless.

I know I'm not stupid. I know I'll never end up making a ridiculous and rash decision in a flurry of rage. I know I'll never develop a seriously bad habit like smoking. 

But when Doubt crashes into you like a tidal wave, you can only watch as it scatters the broken remains of your self-confidence across the sand. 

Wow. I'm so depressed, I'm even writing like some sad, sad scholar. 

I really didn't want this post to be so wretched and gloomy but what do.

I mean, I do need an outlet for my crazy mixed-up brain. 

I originally wanted this post to be about Dan and Phil and how much I love them. I wanted to write sweet, honest truths about how just watching their videos for the last four years has changed me for the better in so many ways. I wanted to gush about how brilliant and creative they are, and discuss the Phandom and its flaws, in detail. 

But then I got into this dismal mood. 

Anyway. this is how I feel currently. I usually also give some sage advice at the end of my posts but this time, I have none, as I myself am flailing helplessly, trying to make the smiles last for longer.

Except maybe, watch Dan and Phil. Or take solace in the Internet.

Suggestions: 

Book: The Sky is Everywhere (Jandy Nelson)

           Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Sáenz)

           Fangirl (Rainbow Rowell) 

Song: Mercy (Muse)

          Open Your Eyes (Snow Patrol)

          Oblivion (Bastille)

          Breathe Me (Sia)

          Work Song (Hozier)

          Numb (Sam Brookes)

          Centuries (Fallout Boy)

Movie: PK (It's a Hindi film. Even if you don't know Hindi, trust me it's excellent. Watch it with subtitles)

Youtube: Music Video Sins (they're really funny) 

                danisnotonfirevyou1 (because who doesn't need phan updates in their life)

Okay, that's it (:

I'd better go study now as I'm going for a piano concert later.

I'm actually feeling a bit better after writing this.

Thank you Internet.

Alvida,

Squish.