Analysis

It can't be December. That's plain lunacy. The freaking year's practically OVER!!!! And  what's really really frightening is that, right now I looked back and couldn't recall ONE SINGLE occasion where I did something that I will remember for the rest of my life. That probably explains why I can't think of any. Inwardly, I know, at least I think I know that I'm just being a bit hyper and not processing my thoughts properly and actually In HAVE done things that will make me go all, "Yeah! I'm so flippin' awesome!"
But, seriously, I'm not really here to talk about any presently-unable-to-recollect achievements... I'm here to talk about anger.
Anger is really damn horrible and affects me in many ways. I do have quite a short temper, and sometimes, my thoughts get so out of control, I can barely make myself stay still. Not that I have to necessarily stay still during these stressful stretches of time or anything.... It's just, I'm trying to master control over one's defining emotions. Like, for example, let's take jealousy. I don't, honestly, get jealous too often since I believe that in being jealous, you don't really end up achieving what you're jealous of the victim of your jealousy for. Now that sounds complicated, but run it over a few times and I swear it'll make sense:)
Anyway, so Jealousy. If someone is jealous all the time, it is bound to affect that person's behavior some time, right? Unless the person uses the art of self-control, where, when they feel jealous of someone, they quietly let it flow and fill them up, and meanwhile try to understand why they're feeling jealous. There's no point in trying to convince oneself that the emotions one is feeling is false, or a joke or some rubbish like that. It's completely fine to feel negative emotions. The more you shy away from them, the more they haunt you and make you feel far more sickly than when you go (actually you don't really have to go anywhere, though somewhere quiet and windy always helps in my case:p) and confront them. You should totally be fine with you feeling jealous, but then learn to not show it to others. This, I know, sounds a lot like I'm saying that saying that you should keep your feelings bottled up. This is why, I'll add that another way, probably faster and easier way, is to tell someone really close, whom you trust and love or whatever. I like that method too, but the problem is, I'm an only child, and sometimes saying certain things to your parents gets really... erm... awkward. So if my best-friend-for-the-rest-of-eternity is not free for me to spill, then I have only my crazed SELF to resort to. So I shall master self-control. I will keep the crappy feelings in, and analyze them, and do something sensible to solve my problem, not, like hack off the person I'm pissed off with's head.
That was a joke!!!!! I've never been tempted to hack off anyone's head. Though I remember that I was sorely tempted to poison Justin Bieber's drink with cyanide or something... Kidding!!!! (Again) Murderous wishes in any kid's mind means that the creep needs therapy, and fast.
Right, so self-control, self-preservation (in a way).... And, (yes I was reading Princess Diaries recently) SELF-ACTUALIZATION. I really don't understand what they mean by the term? Does it mean to understand your own feelings, as in the way you think? Or is it what you want in life and you realize how to get it in the right way? Or is it that someone tells you something true about you, and it may be good or bad, but it hits you all hard and axe-like, and you know that it's true?? OR is it simply that you learn how to be a good person and not hurt other people while trying to acquire a lovely life or something? AAAHHHH!!!!
This is sooo confusing.
"Self-actualization refers to fulfilling ones individual potential." I just got this from the net. Hmm... Does that really make you a better perfect because however brilliant you may be in a certain field/s, it doesn't directly make you a BETTER  person, right? I mean, just look at Pablo Picasso!!!! He was a fantastic artist, but totally sucked at being a human being. I mean, he drove a bunch of his girlfriends to insanity!!! So you see what I mean? He DID fulfill his individual potential by making sure the entire planet knew he was a master at art... But he wasn't a good person. No way Jose.
So I think, self-actualization is getting what you dearly want in life, in a good, clever, selfless way....
Yeesh. That's a bit too much. But I guess helping others comes in self-actualization, as it makes you caring and compassionate etc etc. But every individual should be allowed to let a little sliver of selfishness in once in a while.... You know, without hurting anyone, but without thinking about the greater good or whatever every second you breath. Is that too much to ask for??
I have absolutely no clue...
Oh I know it's really not related to the serious, life-choice context, but I absolutely LOVE The Wanted!!!!!
Their music is simply E-P-I-C!! Love them sooo much...
Anyway, now I've got to go....

Alvida till the next time,

Squish

Connection

I'm away from home. Did  I ever mention that I get homesick ridiculously fast? Well, now you know.
Camps, school sleepovers, trips with friends- They're all different:) I mean, traveling with your family IS fun, but with no one of your age, it can get a bit depressing when there's nothing to do. Anyway, presently, I'm on holiday. And when i say holiday, I mean every bit of me is on holiday... Seriously! i have no idea what the date is, what day of the week it is, what time it is, and when we're going back home.... That's how pathetically clueless I am. But have no fear, I'm gonna write about something more interesting than my sudden bout of amnesia....
            We were all returning from a lovely dinner at this awesome barbecue restaurant, when I began thinking about different ways to begin a book. Oh ya, did I ever mention that I'm very into writing books (Huh that makes it sound like I've actually WRITTEN books:) No, all I've ever achieved is starting one off, feeling very proud about it, abandoning it for a few days, reading it after that short spell of time, finding it painfully childish or pretentious or whatever, scrapping it, replay).... But that hasn't disheartened me.... So anyway, the point is, I want to list some ways to start a book... Some sentences or whatevs.

1) What. The. Hell.

2) I stood there, staring longingly at the mast of the Arora, as it disappeared over the horizon.
(Yeah, I know 'Arora' is kinda corny but I'm fascinated by the Arora Borealis.... And I'd prefer a a ship named 'Arora' to a car any day:P)

3) Today, I'm resigning, at last.

4) "I've waited forever just to see that expression on your lily-white face," spat the shadowy figure, slowly rising from the corner.

5) Yes!!!!!

6) "Hot," whispered Lana, leaning over from her side of the bench. I wasn't sure whether she meant the chilly pickles in her sandwich or the tall, black-haired, stormy-eyed God who had just strolled in.

7) She didn't notice. Right?

8) This is stupid. Really, really stupid.

9) I'm running out of ideas.
(Hey!! That's a cool start!!!)

Okay. I guess some of them are pretty lame, and if I ever end up writing a book, I may not use any of them:)
But the thing is, a good start will always hook the reader... Some really lame-ass start off, may just lead the reader into thinking that the book is the pits (even if it's not).
Right, now I'm feeling decidedly less homesick. WHO AM I KIDDING???? I want to go home!!!!

Well, I simultaneously think I'm overacting. My 10-month-old ah-dorable rosy, well-rounded (heehee) cousin brother is there to lighten my days, and ease my troubled mind. He's soooo cute!!!! He smiles and gurgles and eats and sleeps. He splashes around merrily in his bath and listens dazedly when someone sings or plays music.... Presently, he is hyper and not-asleep, even though it's getting late and he should be.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to feel a little connected to my inner self. My real world which I feel a bit disconnected from presently. Okay, gotta go now...

Alvida,
Squish.

Time

Diwali holidays for about a week have commenced. It's so weird after the last few stressed months. One would probably think I would be OVERJOYED by the break. Well, I am, but see, recently I have become very concerned about time. I don't want to waste even one valuable minute of my life doing something I SERIOUSLY do not want to do. I added the 'seriously' because I have no choice but to go to school on the days of tests or exams, or drag myself sleepily to Hindi tutions. Now those are things I DON'T like much, but are necessary, if you know what I mean. I hate throwing my time away doing stuff that's never EVER going to help me in my life. those are the things that are present on this planet to make me miserable. So anyway, on that happy note, I'll write out a few revelations that kind of sprung up from nowhere during the last few hours.

1. I went for a blood test in the morning, and found the needle puncturing my skin, fascinating. I don't mean to act all I'm-so-brave-and-fierce here, but I didn't wince or anything. In LIKE the sight of blood, can bare reasonable amounts of pain, and watch Grey's Anatomy, which involves a lot of cutting people open, exposing innards and such likes. Then, after puzzling over all this, I discovered my interest in Biology. Not bacteria and plants and mushrooms but humans. I find physiology absolutely engrossing. At least that's what I think. My favorite science is Biology. It was all along but I was too busy delving in my deep-rooted hate for science to notice.

2. I'm really really lazy.

3.  I don't know what I want to be when I'm out there, supposedly ready to make life-changing decisions  and whatnot. I really cannot decide on one profession. So then maybe two. Or three. Or four? The thing is, I want to make a difference. I don't know where, or how but I want to create an impact on... Refer to the first question of this sentence. This doesn't mean that I'm going to devote my life to curing planet of Global Warming or anything... It's just means, I don't want to be ordinary. Yeah, that just about sums it up. If I'm an author, I want to write INSPIRING books. An actress, I'll act in deep, influential films that change people. A person supporting the needs of the undernourished and impoverished, I'll go to the remotest places. I desperately want to set an example for mislead kids. Eek, I got all emotional:P

4. I feel homesick waaay to fast.

So I took the Top 4 revelations and compiled them in a list. I'm out of things to say.
Oooh!!! I got another one. It's very true.

5. I simply LOVE making lists!!!

So then I"ll make a list of things I'll do or try to do now....

1. Clean my desk.

2. Paint.

3. Paint my nails.

4. Pack my suitcase for the trip tomorrow.

5. Go downstairs with a friend and pass the time chatting.

6. Sing.

7. Finish Geography journal work, and at least start the History stuff.

8. Sketch.

9. Study European Architecture from Social Studies, just cuz it's interesting.

10. Stop typing rubbish.

Okay, now I depart to carry out these magnificent tasks that I set forth:)

Alvida,

Squish.

Sudden Inspirations...

I vowed when I started blogging that I would write only ONE blog a week, on a designated day, most probably a Tuesday, to honor the first day I ever wrote out a blog.... That sure worked:P I could barely stop myself from writing another (ahem)  enchanting piece the very next day... It's just, I can't talk to people... I mean, I can... Well... Ugh... I don't really understand myself. Yep. That's it. I just CANNOT, for the life of me, figure out what goes on in my head, which presently feels like it's been stuffed with straw. So, I write. I get these 'sudden inspirations' and do things instinctively, then regret them later (duh)...  Here's some of the REALLY lame things I've managed to do in the past few weeks.

-In a fit of rage over some stupid childish fight with my mum, I grab a pair of scissors and snap off some of MY OWN hair!!!! Of course, I made sure I snipped it off to look like two nice flicks on the side of my face, and I don't want to sound big-headed, but they don't look too bad. But they're massively annoying. They fly around  uncontrollably when I run, and worst of all, I CANNOT IMAGINE MY FACE WITHOUT THEM ANY LONGER!!!!! So if I did get rid of them, as in, let them grow properly to the length they were before, then it would take some time before that conscious feeling wears off.....

-A friend from school kept posting weird things on my wall, on Facebook, so I deleted all the stuff she shared on my Timeline, and even though I felt a wee bit bad doing that, I kind of shrugged off the feeling, somehow managing to convince myself that SHE was the piss-off who hadn't been alerted the fact that she is a teen and not a toddler, if you get my meaning. And of course, she was hurt, and to top it all, confronted me in school, asking me why I didn't TELL her that the posts were not suiting me. I was kinda struck over why I hadn't done that and gone for the harsh approach, so  I don't think I said much... But the guilt still lingers...

-I was mean to some other people who I don't really like much...

-I made a badly-concealed disgusted face during Biology, and was severely busted. Well, I sort of got myself out of it by mentioning that it truly was a gross chapter and that almost everyone felt the same way... I guess I just spoke my mind and she let me off!!!! But from that expression of surprise on her face, it was kind of obvious she didn't really like this 'truthful' approach.... Eek.

-I wasted a hell lot of time crying over the book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' which just doesn't cease to amaze me. I just cried and cried and well... Cried. Then, after an hour and a half, I realized I had about three projects pending... That didn't go to well, I can assure you.

     Anyway, so those are a few of the blaring stupidities in my behavior that I can recall, and am not too shameful to recount:):) I don't know... I guess there's no point in sitting here, feeling sorry for myself and the people who have to bear with me... I think I'll just talk to some friends, and ask them how to summon tact in situations of dire need.

OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!!!! All that, and I haven't even started off on what I ACTUALLY wanted to tell the world about!!!!  I can be such a moron at times...

So here's the thing... I recently listed to this absolutely BEAUTIFUL song called 'Minds Without Fear' by Imogen Heap and Vishal Shekhar. It's just... Inspiring. So WHUP I'm inspired.

In the music video, the two artists are dancing through the streets of Rajasthan, India. They are so completely oblivious to the stares of the wide-eyed onlookers, who of course end up clapping and cheering wildly when they finish.... So the thing is, I want to do that. As simple as that. I want  to start a flash mob!!!! Maybe somewhere in the city, where there is some music playing, a bunch of us can just start dancing and then start roping some interested genial people in... Would that not be just ah-mazing?????
The snag is, I don't think I've got the guts... What if people DON'T join in? What if people LAUGH at us?? What if people REFUSE point blank to participate???? Will that not be embarrassing? And yet I'm DYING to do something outright wonderful and rebellious like that!!!!!!!!! What do I do?? I've always prided (or at least known) myself on being instinctive and not caring what other people say, but this is, well, a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. I'm not sure if I'm capable of being THAT unconventional. but one emotion I simply CANNOT STAND is being 'unsure'. Especially about myself. I really need someone to tell me I can do it, which will not necessarily make me go ahead a do it, but will help in hardening my resolve. I want someone to tell me that my ideas aren't all crazy, and that being me, and bringing a moment of carefree-ness to someone's life is something that everyone loves to do.....

Ew. I sound gushy. See this is what I mean when I say, 'doubting myself'!!! I really should not care how I sound, because that's what I feel. So now I depart from the keyboard, feeling reasonably light and self-actualized...

Alvida till next time,
Squish.

PS: Alvida means 'bye' in Hindi.

The Desperate and Desolate...

So here I am, writing my first blog EVER, waiting desperately for those shivers of excitement to start pulsing inside me.... But pft, was I ever disappointed. All I've got to cheer me on right now, is the happy news that I'm a sniffling, moaning wreck who skipped school... One may think that skipping school is a WONDERFUL thing, but, strange as it is... I HATE HATE HATE missing school!!! All the terrible things that can happen when you miss even 1 day of school... Okay, I'll make a list...

1. You miss difficult-subject classes ie Chemistry.
(I LOATHE Chemistry and have never seen any point in learning all those stupid formulae and equations and reactions and heaven-knows-what-else)

2. You miss out on gossip of the day, and other funny things that may happen, resulting in you sitting, feeling left-out while you're friends giggle and slap high-fives while talking about the aforementioned 'funny thing' that you were unfortunate enough to miss.

3. You have to waste your tome calling someone else up to find out what happened in class, when you could have been there, getting all the info first hand.

4. You get tooooo much time to simply sit around at home, pitying yourself, feel wasted and miss your friends.

5. Errm... I can't really think of any more... And i don't feel like racking my brains....

So my first blog didn't really start off on the most cheerful note.... Oh well... Doesn't matter.... I'm now going to make a list of things I REALLY feel like doing right now. Like, REALLY.

1. Eating ultra-gooey chocolate cake. (To hell with calories!!!!)

2. Drinking a large mug of Bru Lite Coffee.

3. Going to the seashore, sitting on a large rock and meditating.

4. Texting my best friend.(No point, since she's enjoying the luxuries of a Day at School while I'm busy being sick)

5. Watching some wonderful, emotionally-charged movie. (Bad idea, since sniffling anymore will just DESTROY ME)

6. Reading the 6th book of Princess Diaries. (I neeeeeed to go to the library!!!!)

7. Going to sleep. (Aha! Now that's a possibility!)

So there you have it.... I think, I'll go see if there's any coffee... OMG I just remembered!!!! There's this awesome brownie mix at home!!!!! YESSS!!!!! I think I'm a clairvoyant!!!!! Yeaaa!!!!

-Squish