Language Session

Happy Independence Day!

If you're wondering wtf I'm talking about, it's Independence Day here in India today (August 15)!
 On August 15, 1947, the first Brexit took place.
ohhhhhh
that reference thooooooough
sorry
*covers face*
I'm really lame

Basically, the british empire finally left India and so we commemorate today as Independence Day.

It's not something we celebrate like 4th of July with fireworks lighting up every inch of the sky and everybody getting drunk (that's how modern day TV and media have portrayed it to me so sorry if I'm a tad inaccurate). We have this big parade in New Delhi (our capital) and flags are raised everywhere at schools, colleges and different institutions while people sing the national anthem. But the main attraction is the public holiday I guess :D
Even my hell-college has given us a day of rest. (I have college on Sundays as well so it's actually a bit surprising they declared Aug 15 a holiday in the first place lmao). I got to sleep late and have a luxurious breakfast and generally just not absolutely hate everything about the universe this morning.
When I say sleep late, I mean I got up at 8:25.
I usually wake up at 6:15 on college days okay so this is BIG :D

Anyway, in the spirit of this holiday and desh-bhakti (patriotism) I'd write a post teaching you some stuff about Indian languages! Since I've recently been more fascinated than ever about languages, I'll attempt to teach you some important (and maybe even some slang *winks*) words in Hindi and Bengali (the two Indian languages I'm fluent in) for no particular reason

[NOTE:  no one reads this blog so this is just a place where I can talk to hypothetical readers about things that I would like to do, like teach someone language stuffs lmao I'm so alone]

Cool Stuff in Hindi (H) and Bengali (B)

Basics

1. My name is _________
H: Mera naam _______ hai.
B: Amaar naam _________.

2. What is your name?
H: Aapka naam kya hai?
B: Apnar naam ki?

3. It was great! (if someone asks you how somethings was)
H: Bauhot achha laga!
B: Khub bhaalo laglo!

4. Where can I catch a taxi?
H: Taxi kaha milegi?
B: Taxi kothaye dhorte pabo?

5. Is it spicy?
H: Teekha hai kya?
B: Eta ki jhaal?

6. How much is this?
H: Ye kitne ka hai?
B: Er daam koto? / E gulo koto kore? (for asking individual price of something from a group)

7. I'm feeling hot.
H: Garmi ho rahi hai.
B: Gorom lagchhe.

Okay so I know pronunciation isn't particularly easy if you don't have someone actually saying the phrases, but I tried my best to capture the sound in english! English is extremely limited when it comes to writing stuff from other languages phonetically. I thought I could write the phrases phonetically in korean so that if someone knew how to read hangul, they could follow the pronunciation a bit better. But since I have to use a web-keyboard, and no one actually reads this blog anyway, why put in the unnecessary effort. (sorry I sound so pessimistic but it's true you know haha :p )
Moving on to........ *drum roll*

SLANGS (I'll explain these a little too)
(remember to never use these for anyone other than people you are super close to. Never for anyone older than you, even if you're close friends. Also, if you're really seriously mad at someone, these words are not very effective as while they may be rude, they're not as strong as real curse words which I will not teach on my blog)

1. Stupid
H: Dhakkan
(So there are a lot of things one can say obviously, but this is my favourite. The words actually means 'lid' like the lid of a container. But it's used as a slang to call someone stupid)

B: Boka
(This is very common and it just means stupid, idiotic, someone with low skills)

2. OMG!
H: Arre baap re! ('Arre' itself is a very versatile word which is used by Indians in so many situations. It doesn't actually have a meaning but is very useful in expressing your emotions :p I think there's a Buzzfeed video about it's situational usage, go check it out :p )

B: Oh ma go!/ Hey bhogoban! ( You'll hear this a lot in Bengali serials. But more than these, there is this very typical sound that Bengali women tend to make when shocked that's very characteristic. I do it too lol)

3. This is rubbish.
A: Bilkul bakwaas hai.
(Bakwaas is an absolute favourite of almost everyone. It's used to describe something that doesn't work, not up to standards, kind of lame etc. Bilkul just means 'totally' or 'completely'

B: Akdom khaja/ akdom baaje
(Khaja means useless, inexperienced, but we use it a lot like bakwaas. Baaje means 'bad' and is used a lot too. Akdom means 'totally')

I would love to keep going for a while and teach some more, but I have to go clean my room and sort out a lot of stuff unfortunately.... :(
So seeya folks for now!

And if you actually read till the end (or just scrolled down lmao you sneaky rat), here's a bonus phrase in not 2 but 3 languages!

Eng: It looks kinda weird.../ I think it's a bit weird...
Kor: 좀 이상한 것 같아.... (Chom isaang han got gat-tha)
[informal phrase]
[note: idk official romanization rules of Korean language, this is just the most natural way to pronounce it]
H: Thoda ajeeb hai...
B: Ektu odbhut lagchhe...

Okay! That's it!
I love learning and sharing languages so much yayayay :)

Alvida,
안녕,
Squish.

PS: This was really really fun to write! Maybe I'll make a series out of this and teach different phrases from the languages I know every now and then :D Because what's the point of knowing it if you don't use it. I often count in Hindi and my friends are like... why? (cz we generally count in english and they don't know the numbers in hindi despite being able to speak hindi. In these situations I'm like, I know the numbers well, so why not use them? Whenever someone asks me what the time is, I tell it to them in english and then in my head, I repeat it in Korean, just for practice.
Omg. I'm gonna make a post about how to learn languages!!!!
YES.
Awesome.
I love how my own aimless babbling in the post script got me an idea for an upcoming post.
*shakes head*
chalo byeeee

Random Lame Post That You Can Avoid

Hi!
안녕하세요 여러분!

How's it going.. good? bad? not sure?
I'm in a weird mood where I want to write a post, but I'm not quite sure what I want to write about.
I just feel like writing...
So this post may be completely random and disorganized... Sorry in advance :)

I'll tell you about what's going on in my life quickly...
I recently had this really big test. Then directly after that, unit tests in college began. I am currently in the middle of them and am so DONE with everything and everyone. I also have this dance exam coming up on Sunday and I am hella nervous. Basically, I have too much stuff to be stressed about!!
But I think up till now, I've handled it relatively well... 화이팅

When it comes to what's going on in the world, I don't even know where to begin.
Horrible news pieces are splashed across the headlines everyday. The new channels constantly broadcast disturbing imagery of bomb blasts, shootouts, hostage situations, accidents and so on. It's so painful to see so much destruction and not be able to do a single thing about it.
When people say "be the change.." they mean it for smaller things and not for going out there physically and stopping people from inflicting violence upon others.

I am increasingly getting more and more annoyed with some trends in internet culture nowadays which I want to talk about. But that requires an entirely separate blog post for itself. There are just some things I see people, young and old (by old I mean in their early twenties lmao) follow. I need to rant about them. But right now my mind is way too confused and in a flurry to actually right things in a logical order.

I started watching a K-Drama called Doctors and I was getting really into it but now I can't find the remaining episodes. And whenever I go to the well-known K-Drama streaming websites, they say 'not available in you country' and I'm like bish whyyyyy. Ugh. I seriously want to know what happens next. But I'm glad this same thing didn't happen while I was watching 태양의 후예 (Descendants of the Sun) because then I seriously might have murdered someone.

Okay. Turns out there wasn't anything particular I wanted to write about.
Ick this post is such trash.
Sorry :/

But hey, no one reads this blog anyway so I'll do what I want.

I gotta go now... I have to go to college in a bit for my Physics unit test :((((

Alvida,
안녕,

Squish

제일 좋아하는 케이펍그룹: 방탄소년단 (my favourite Kpop group)

Wow! New post so soon? What happened?

I have some time right now and since I shifted my focus to research instead of medical, I've been breathing a little easier, not because it's going to be a simple feat to get into any of the research-oriented colleges but because it feels like a load off my chest to finally have made the decision to drop medical... :)
So now I allow myself to spend a bit more time on things other than studying.
It's not like when I still wanted to do medical I didn't do other things at all, but then, it was a sad, guilt-ridden affair. Now, if I say "Okay, I'm gonna listen to some music and write a blog post for the next hour" then I do without thinking too much about the studies I could be completing in that time.

YES I remember the sneak preview I gave last time of this time's post.
So without any further ado....

방탄소년단 항상 사랑한다!!

Yep. I love BTS.
They are by far my favorite kpop group for many reasons:-

1. They are so close! They are more like a family than anything else and have always had each other's back, right from their trainee days. I love the amount of respect the 막내 (younger) line has for their 형 (older) line and at the same time they're not afraid to express their feelings.

2. They are so talented! I'll talk about this individually for each member as well but as a team, they are SO talented.

3. Their song lyrics are incredible! Many of their songs are extremely relevant to the youth, have really beautiful lyrics and are super catchy. Other songs are just fun to jam to and the choruses are fun to sing. (because the raps are too damn fast haha)

4. Their personalities are so diverse and they're all crazy in their own way which I love. They have their quirks, strange talents and catchphrases (infires ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ) and once you know more about them, you somewhat feel a lot closer to them, as if you are in on their inside jokes.

5. They love their fans. They are always thinking about how to make a good performance, involve the audience, make it entertaining; and last but definitely not least, they practice SO MUCH. They work really hard on their choreography and are always pledging to work harder. While one may say, "obviously they have to love their fans... Without the fans, they wouldn't be so famous!" Yes, but it's a common occurrence for idols to become famous and get airs about it. BTS have remained ever so humble about their fame.

6. They're all so pretty ahhhhhh

Okay I could go on for a while but I'll talk about the members individually now... :)
Let's go age wise shall we? (oldest to youngest)

1. 김석진 (Jin)
 
Jin, is truly the mom of the group. This however is not a derogatory profiling. He is caring and always takes care of the younger members. (I love 엄마 진 and 정국이 's relationship... Especially in the new Eat Jin which was both hilarious and awkward at the same time ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ) His love of food is unbeatably adorable and makes me happy because eating is one my favorite things to do haha :p He is the visual of the group (not wrongly so) and is so cute and fluffy :p
A lot of people brush over this, but Jin has an amazing voice! In my opinion, his voice is more suited to softer melodies and ballads. If you listen to the live version of I Need You (I'm not sure where it was... It was some radio broadcast that BTS did) and his cover of 난 너를 사랑해 and 엄마, it's obvious that Jin has a soft voice that's brimming with emotion.
I also love his awkwardness ^^
2. 민윤기 (Suga)

Suga is the coolest and I absolutely love how he is 900% done with everybody, 900% of the time :D
I love the weird things he says, how he can literally sleep anytime, anywhere and his devotion to the Army. He is ridiculously hard-working. He spends a lot of his time composing songs, writing lyrics, thinking of melodies and working with Rapmon. He helps produce many of their songs and that is actually quite unique because many groups have other people write their songs for them don't participate in production at all. He's very creative and actually wants to get through to people with his lyrics.

3. 정호석 (J-Hope)

Hobiieeee ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ He is an actual ray of sunshine :D He is the hyper, funny and loud member or BTS who's not afraid to express himself. Of course, he's not carefree all the time and can be serious and sincere too. I love that side of him too because it clearly reflects that he is older and loves what he does. He is so passionate about dance and is freaking FANTASTIC at dance. All his solos ever and practice sessions are SO good. Even though he was not originally a rapper, he kills that role too<3  I am completely in love with his rap part in Save Me. His voice is so deep and there is so much fluidity in how he raps. I also love how excited he (and Suga) was in Satoori Rap. Go J-Hoooooorse

4. 김남준 (Rapmon)

Where do I start with this dude's talent? Let's start by saying that he fulfills his role as leader very very efficiently. He is tactful, chill (about his crazy younger members) and good at representing them overall. He, like Suga, spends a lot of time writing raps and trying to get a message out through his lyrics (which are great). He is SO hardworking AGH. He managed to learn english for god's sake and is now almost fluent! Initially, in his trainee days, he was not a dancer. He didn't like dancing much and was not good at it all. But after (obviously) hours and hours of practice he freaking ROCKS the difficult choreos. Apart from all this, he is really smart (becomes obvious even you watch half an episode of Problematic Men tbh haha), raps like an actual god and can sing too (listen to 알아요 by him and kookie). I also love his pervert moments 변태 변태 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

5. 박지민 (Jimin)

"Jimin, you go not jams"
Ahem I beg differ dear sir, but Jimin has ALL THE JAMS :p He is such a fantastic dancer. His high notes while singing are on point and his inability to do aegyo is so endearing. His personality is like that of the mischievous cousin who will come over to your house and hide your socks. He loves to fool around and bug the older members and it's really cute. I also love how he relentlessly tries to cheer up kookie whenever he feels down. I love his little monologues in Busan Satoori and uncontrollable laughter agh drool. He practices like a maniac so that he doesn't make mistakes in performances. He seriously slays all their choreos :O I also love his and Hobi's Yaja time dialogues and how in the end, he will always apologize and respect his hyung:)
 100% 잼들이 다 있습니다 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

6. 김태형 (V)

Our V from the star planet. (Btw I know that he doesn't like that, but he ain't gonna read this)
Before saying anything else, let me just mention that this guy has the MOST SOULFUL VOICE EVER. His voice has some absolutely insane kind of magic in it. It's deep and  fulfilling and makes me want to lie on the floor and contemplate my existence. When he sang 아나줘 with Hobi, I nearly did that tbh :p Even though he is not a part of the 'dance line' he is pretty fabulous at random dance and he should totally be counted as a part of it. He's so good at Japanese wow. Also his love of 노래방 (karaoke) is so cute. He can rap too wtf. He adores kids and dogs and does weird awkward things ahhh I can't. I love how all the members are totally cool with him being weird (like blowing out the candle too early in the recent Eat Jin hahaha). Lastly, his effin bromance with kookie!!!!! *dies* my little gay heart can't deal with it you understand ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

7. 전정국 (Jungkook)


















He is the craziest, most multi-talented 막내 (youngest) ever. He slays dancing, singing, rapping, drawing, acting, sports (holy eff is he strong and so freaking fast) and being weird. People joke about how he sucks at math and english and stuff, but in my opinion, if he was actually focused on academics, he would perform well. He just has that competitive, conquer-all attitude. (Btw I'm not saying it's necessary for everyone to excel in academics, I'm just defending this child's abilities okay haha). He's that quiet kid that is actually really weird (in a good way). I love his song covers and karaoke sessions so much, ugh his voice is a gift to humanity. There's so much one can say about this boy; from him teasing his hyungs but ultimately always being respectful and caring to being scared of girls ㅋㅋㅋㅋ. He's so caring! I have a ridiculous amount of affection built up for this dude.

And that's it!
Man that took a lot of time.
I had to use a Korean web-keyboard and copy paste my sentences :)
I hope this fangirling was accurate :p
I really liked doing this though! :) I've never written such a long post entirely devoted to a band, group etc. It was fun scouring my mind for ways to express how much I admire this group :)

Crap it's so late! I gotta go eat lunch...

Alvida,
안녕,
Squish.

of new interests and plans

It's kind of worrying that the last time I wrote a blog post, it was christmas. last year.
It's not christmas 2015 anymore.
In fact it's not 2015 anymore either.
So happy new year?

I'm sorry *inserts slo-mo gif of me being crushed by the burden of studying and the Indian education system so that you forgive my complete absence*  

Anyway, so I want to jump in and a give a quick update, before I go into other things:

So you know how I was very passionate about becoming a surgeon? I was completely set on the idea of going to medical college. However, recently, this entire idea kind of changed.
I am still very interested in biology and find human health and diseases fascinating. But not fascinating enough to make it my profession. I feel like treating real people and having a 24 hr job is not really my cup of chai (tea). And the medical field, barring the occasional excitement, doesn't altogether sound that exciting anymore? I don't know why this change took place in me, but now I am focusing on research more than medicine. I don't know what kind of research, but most probably in some field of biology. I love knowing one particular thing in a great deal of  detail and knowing everything there is to know about a particular thing, so research is right up my lane.

I love the idea of becoming an experimental researcher and working in a lab. I know that life is not going to be some sort of dream with new things to discover and insane scientific breakthroughs everyday, but I feel that it will probably be more suited to how I like to live and my interests. By that I mean that I'll get a lot more time to do the things I like, outside of science, like music, dance, language studies, reading, writing, art blah blah blah

Okay! So that's that haha

Now other cooler things.................. ;)

I got a lot more into kpop!
Before, I was a lowkey fan, listening to some songs here and there, not really caring that much about the band members and more focused on just exploring a different type of  music.
But I began watching a few interviews around mid last year, and next thing you know, I'm a HIGH KEY FAN. Okay no haha not saesang or anything :D
But I really like certain groups about whom I'll gush later :p

I had always liked how the Korean language sounded. I liked the speed of speech (sometimes a bit overwhelmingly fast) and I liked the few Korean words I knew at the time. I had also read that the Korean language was one of the most well-structured languages with a completely phonetic script (which I also liked the look of :p)
So I decided to give learning a bit. Just some basic conversational stuff and some other kpop-related words to start with.
I started off learning how to read Korean and believe it or not, I managed to pick it up in 2 days.
DISCLAIMER: This is not me boasting about my fantastic skills at language, but in fact marveling at the logical and beautifully crafted Korean script. It seriously so much fun

Obviously, at the start I was reading very slowly and sounding out words like a one-year-old. But as time passed I learned more words and grammar points and became a lot faster at reading with practice.
Now I don't know how but I managed to pick up quite a lot of Korean and now can understand quite a bit! I sometimes even turn the subtitles off on some interview videos and stuff and listen hard and often understand the context of what they're saying!  It's so exciting! I love learning this language so much it makes me want to explode :D

I wish I could devote more time to it (I can only give a bit of time per week because of all the study pressure) because I feel like with more time, I could get a hang of it!
And when it comes to pronunciation and speaking, it's actually not that hard for me because  I already speak two Indian languages (Hindi and Bengali) and am used to a lot of the consonant and vowel sounds in Korean (and with correct enunciation, "reul" will come eventually too hehe). Knowing Hindi is especially helpful as it has a very wide range of sounds and has a similar grammatical sentence structure to Korean. So when I try forming correct sentences in Korean, sometimes I think of it in Hindi first :D

It would be very wrong of me to not credit the people who are helping me study Korean and that's Talk To Me In Korean.com !! (I love them so much)
They post videos on YouTube and have a site with pdfs and so many other helpful things. They also have a store where one can purchase text books but unfortunately, I haven't been able to buy anything as of now... Maybe some day :)

I know that actually being fluent in a language while learning from the internet is virtually impossible, but I believe that by listening and practicing a lot, I can get faster at it and improve my vocabulary.

I'm really proud of the progress that I've made in the short time I've been learning and I hope that when I go to Korea on vacation (after entrance exam season next year, I am going FOR SURE), I will be a lot better at conversation and comprehension.
I'm super excited about my language journey and once I'm out of this competitive-exam whirlpool, I'll definitely spend a lot of time on language-learning.

Oh heck I've babbled a lot today... :)
Okay, I have to go now

But before I go I'll give a picture-hint of the topic of next time's blog post....

Alvida,
Annyeong,

Squish.










                                        

ANIME ANIME ANIME

Hi!

Quick update: Today I had this state level test thingy... And I'm so glad it's over!

I came home and watched Howl's Moving Castle for the millionth time, then watched some Deathnote episodes, then browsed through some yaoi on Tumblr (don't judge) 

Then I reminisced to my dad on the phone about the time when I used to watch Naruto and Pokemon. 

Basically, I had a very anime evening

So here's a spam of shots from Howl's and Deathnote because they are my absolute favourites.

Aww <3<3

Guys with earrings amirite

The sassiest nan ever tbh

and THIS GUY ^-^

Now the deathnote spam

This'll be shorter cuz I have to go sleep

I have college at 7:30 tomorrow for which I have to get up at 6:20 for :(((

I like how when there is all this delicious drama happening, Ryuk is 

is just chilling, laughing and eating apples (you can't get much cooler)

I SHIP IT YO

Awwww 

(he's gonna get diabetic real fast)

Okay crap it's getting very late, I'm tired af

Byeeeee

Alvida,

Squish 

of Positives & Pictures

HI
I am currently in high spirits.

Life is filled with tests and I have to study for 5 hours a day.
I also don't get weekends.
There is a massive ton of pressure pouring in from everywhere.
It feels my future depends on every breath I take.
It's pretty crazy, to say the least.

However, I'm not here to complain.
Because I chose this.
Sure, I didn't know exactly HOW hectic it was going to turn out to be, so every now and then I can have melt downs (unavoidable tbh)
But I'm trying to look at the positives here.

Positives:

1. I am up to date with all my studying

2. I have great friends in college.

3. I have a very close friend in college.

4. I bought cool earrings on the train.

5. I am doing really well in class.

6. I got new fandom merch.

aaaaaaand.........



I ORDERED THE AMAZING BOOK IS NOT ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wheeeeeeee

If you don't know what the eff that is (shame on you) , it is the summary of Dan and Phil and everything they stand for and have done and stuff, carefully crafted (don't cry) into a book.
AND I ORDERED IT.
ohhh yes.

It cost a HELL of a lot, but I had some saved up cash and it's freaking DAN AND PHIL.
Nnnnnngggg

I'm so excited.
I have no idea when it'll turn up, what with it having to turn up from he UK to India and all....
But eventually some day, it shall arrive.
Yea

Anyway, I better go for dinner now or my mum will get pissed.
Ta

Alvida,
Squish


PS: Just to show my love and appreciation for those two dorks, here's a little spam of their pretty faces:
    I love them so much wtf   Phil jesus christ you're allergic  AGH why do you do this

Anyway, that's it for now
Sorry the post wasn't too amazing
I'm just in a bit of a hurry
And in a really good mood so I'm too jumpy to sit down and think properly
No srs bsns right now
YEa

Laughing In Retrospect

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay what the actual HELL was my last post??!!!

I sounded like some screwed up, failed writer having a crisis and angsting about it online to people who don't give two shits.

Or worse, some moronic, weepy complainer who has nothing better to do than compose melancholy speeches on her silly little first-world problems.

I am truly sorry for putting you through that horrible piece of writing. But I won't delete it as I want it to remain as an example of what one should definitely NOT write in a blog post.

Side Note: I am still sad about college (I don't like it at all). I am still stressed about studies (there's a crap load of it). I am still insecure about stuff (who isn't) and I still am a 16-year-old girl with problems that are important to her (as they should be)
My problems are important, yes, but I need to stop going on and on and on about them because then, I'm squashing the time in which I could do something to improve. I'm simply spending too much time loathing how things are to actuaLLY GET THE EFF UP AND STOP BEING A WUSS.

So on that motivating note, I shall depart.
Again, my apologies for my previous shitstorm of a post. Hopefully, that won't happen again :P

Suggestions:

Book: Since I haven't read a new book in a while (I've been busy af), I'm gonna say, re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and admire the sass master that Ginny is. I honestly never reeaally loved Ginny that much but I always liked her badass, I-can-do-it-just-as-well-as-you spirit.

Songs: Fight Song (Rachel Platten)
            Cruel To Be Kind- Letters to Cleo
            Firefly- Ed Sheeran
            From Eden- Hozier

Movie: Ramdhanu (It's a Bengali film. It's really lovely and funny and has a nice message. Watch it with subtitles)

YouTube: Lean On and Jind Mahi Mashup- VidyaVox (it's an epic blend of sounds)
                 Blank Space and Jealous Acoustic Mashup- Megan Davies (I now have girl crushes on them)
                 Gay Guy Calls Westboro Baptist Church- Riyadh K (Really funny)
                 The Cheese Challenge- AmazingPhil
                 Why are Girls So Confusing And Complicated?- OnisionSpeaks

Other- Fanfiction. That's all I can say. Read tons and tons of fanfiction. Tumblr, fanfiction.net, deviantart, Wattpad, archiveofourown, you name it. Explore. Find your mild kinks. Fluff. Smut. Drabble. A/U. Delve into the deep dark sex-crazed part of your mind and indulge it with fantastic visuals of your favourite characters etc doing unspeakable things to each other.

Okay. Wow. I may have just let a bit too much emotion spill out into that last bit :P
Sorry.
Just, when everything from college and all is so heavy and tiring, reading fanfiction is a great luxury :D

Alvida,
Squish

Turmoil

Okay.

So there is something I haven't really addressed on this blog much and that is- I'm going through the I'm-16-and-depressed thing. Yeah.

So.

I'm 16 years old.

And I'm depressed a lot of the time.

See, happiness is a very fleeting state of mind. It's so freaking transient that you start regretting feeling it in the first place, because, what's the point, it's gonna end anyway.

Before I start telling you more about how I feel and all that, I'd just like to say that this is most definitely not me saying silly things like "I hate my life" because honestly. I don't.

I have incredible parents, a great house, a few loyal and loving friends, a fabulous best friend, some awesome relatives and everything I could possibly want. This is more of a psychological thing okay?

I'm not denouncing all I have achieved. I am truly grateful for how lucky I am to be born to such open-minded people and in a fully functional body. 

Now that that disclaimer is done with, I'll move on to the actual shiz.

I have these mood swings. I start off the day with a smile and a conquer-all attitude but as some time passes, my shoulders droop and my entire euphoria just... Dissolves. This happens all the time. Pleased. Disappointed. Proud. Regretful. Ecstatic. Fed up. Amused. Annoyed. 

It's just this odious cycle of opposing emotions that drive me completely insane.

And these wonderful feelings are accompanied by their closest companion- Doubt.

Doubt is honestly the most revolting thing in the world. I HATE feeling doubtful.

I doubt myself, my ambitions, capabilities, choices, other people etc etc and it simply compounds the depression. 

For instance, I constantly doubt whether I made the right choice by signing up for medical coaching classes. I doubt whether I truly want to be a doctor. I doubt whether anybody actually likes me at my college. I doubt whether I'll be able to keep up my, up till now, good grades in class and it goes on and on and on.

I am drowning in uncertainty.

At one instant, I'm laughing with my friends feeling carefree, or grinning while I read a book, and the next instant, this unfriendly, cold negativity has just settled in on a nice little spot in my head. It makes me see things less brightly, like it's seeping out the colour around me and replacing it with my anxiety and unresolved fears. 

I may sound all dramatic and bookish right now, but that's the best way I can describe it. 

And yes, I KNOW that this too will pass but I'm gonna have to deal with it in the present and I don't know how. I'm ceaselessly trying to find ways to keep me happy but I'm running out. I read good books but my depression steps in when I'm halfway through with a "You should be studying". I go out with my friends but depression slides in with a clever "Your friends will never be as stressed as you". I study but depression retaliates with an almighty "You're never going to be good enough". 

And I'm sick of it.

I thought that this month of holiday I got might change things. It might be that breathing-break I was craving. It might pull me back to reality and make me study without feeling a load of despondency on my back. It didn't. Nothing changed and I'm feeling worthless again.

And I KNOW I'm not worthless.

I know I'm not stupid. I know I'll never end up making a ridiculous and rash decision in a flurry of rage. I know I'll never develop a seriously bad habit like smoking. 

But when Doubt crashes into you like a tidal wave, you can only watch as it scatters the broken remains of your self-confidence across the sand. 

Wow. I'm so depressed, I'm even writing like some sad, sad scholar. 

I really didn't want this post to be so wretched and gloomy but what do.

I mean, I do need an outlet for my crazy mixed-up brain. 

I originally wanted this post to be about Dan and Phil and how much I love them. I wanted to write sweet, honest truths about how just watching their videos for the last four years has changed me for the better in so many ways. I wanted to gush about how brilliant and creative they are, and discuss the Phandom and its flaws, in detail. 

But then I got into this dismal mood. 

Anyway. this is how I feel currently. I usually also give some sage advice at the end of my posts but this time, I have none, as I myself am flailing helplessly, trying to make the smiles last for longer.

Except maybe, watch Dan and Phil. Or take solace in the Internet.

Suggestions: 

Book: The Sky is Everywhere (Jandy Nelson)

           Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Sáenz)

           Fangirl (Rainbow Rowell) 

Song: Mercy (Muse)

          Open Your Eyes (Snow Patrol)

          Oblivion (Bastille)

          Breathe Me (Sia)

          Work Song (Hozier)

          Numb (Sam Brookes)

          Centuries (Fallout Boy)

Movie: PK (It's a Hindi film. Even if you don't know Hindi, trust me it's excellent. Watch it with subtitles)

Youtube: Music Video Sins (they're really funny) 

                danisnotonfirevyou1 (because who doesn't need phan updates in their life)

Okay, that's it (:

I'd better go study now as I'm going for a piano concert later.

I'm actually feeling a bit better after writing this.

Thank you Internet.

Alvida,

Squish.